2015 was the year I spent a lot time trying to mould myself into someone else. I can't actually remember how and when it started. The funny thing is that I actually thought I had a pretty good year. I have always thought that I knew myself quite well, which has a lot to do with my psychology background. I analyse everything especially when it comes to myself (I swear I am not self obsessed), which is absolutely exhausting.
It didn't dawn on me til the very end of 2015 but I have been working and working really hard throughout the year on my blog, my career and on myself. Which at the time felt like a very fruitful use of my labour however what was I working towards?
In my head all my efforts of self improvement didn't have anything to do with anyone else, I just wanted more to be better. It was exhausting, I put all of this effort into dreaming harder and working to attain it but it just didn't translate into reality. My mistake was that my dreams were someone else's reality and I wanted that exactly that. At first it confused me because I couldn't understand why I wasn't going anywhere and why I constantly felt dissatisfied with myself. Ultimately I felt crushed by my own desires.
The internet is a dangerously wonderful place, it's whatever you choose to make of it. I let all the carefully crafted photos, tweets, snaps just all of it get to me and feed this ridiculous desire and targets I put into place for myself. I got myself into this ENDLESS cycle but I was clueless to it.
It took me a while to realise what was happening and what I was doing to myself. Once I did I was able to focus on me and what it is that I actually want from my life. It also gave me a minute to appreciate where I am now at my life and all the good things in my life (cliche yes).
We can't blame the internet. Humans have a naturally tendency to want more, that is just life I guess.
Throw comparison into the mix, it's most definitely not healthy. I wish I had thought of something clever to say but comparing yourself is not worth it just don't do it (I appreciate that it's hard).
Links Worth Checking Out:
There Is Nothing Wrong With Black Girl Magic, by Ashley Ford.
Elle Magazine Is Wrong To Call Out #blackgirlmagic, by Tobi Oredein.
Observations Of An American In Britain, by Laura Bronner.
Why Do I Feel So Damn Guilty All The Time? by Rosa Heyman.
In Defence of Millennial In The Workplace, by Emma Gannon.
Sorry, Not Sorry, by Rowan Blanchard.
On Instagram: The Beauty Load Blog
Why does the weekend always go by so quickly? I don't think we will ever know. I hope you have had an amazing weekend and here is to kick ass Monday. If you wanted you could check out some of my favourite motivating TED talks to set you in the right mood for tomorrow.
Zeynab x
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