4 April 2016

A Weekend's Musings XV

lena dunham girls season 5

Hi guys.
How are guys are doing? The best thing about working at a school is the holidays and well the children are kinda nice as well. Anyone else watching the new season of Girls? So I was pretty late to the Girls bandwagon, I know I know what the hell was I doing? Well all that matters is that I am all caught up, and a Girls binge was most definitely worth it (check out what other shows are totally binge worthy here).

I have never been the type of person that always knew what they wanted to do in life. I remember growing up I wanted to be a police officer, then a doctor and then a fashion designer - I was such a random kid. It was pure by total circumstance that I decided that I wanted to become a psychologist and study psychology at University. The road to becoming a practicing psychologist isn't easy and I knew that but I don't think I completely understood the struggle and how long it would take.

For the longest time, I found myself feeling uncertain about the future and almost trapped by the idea that I had to become a psychology. I put a huge burden on myself to achieve this goal and I don't think it was particularly for me but more to prove to everyone else that I could do it and choosing to study psychology wasn't a complete waste of my time.

In my reality, the world was filled with perfect people that had everything figured out and never questioned themselves. Their sense of calm, and put togetherness (is this a real word?) seemed to emphasise my internal struggle and with the idea that I might had made the wrong choices. The guilt was eating away at me and my sanity. It's made worse by the fact that you have no one to blame but yourself, I made the choice to study psychology at University maybe it wasn't for me?

You know how in movies, you sometimes have the main character standing still and everyone else just movie forward around them. Well that is how I viewed my life, I was stuck because I didn't know what I want. I was mentally beating myself about that, who doesn't have their lives together at 26? I felt guilty because I wasn't really doing anything but then I didn't know what to do. I come to realise that it's ok because it's just not me and well even Marni from Girls has come to accept the fact that she doesn't know what she wants in life (season 5, episode 5 or was it 6). We saw Marni in a completely different light, she wasn't her usual uptight self she was letting go even if it was ever so slightly. I need to learn to let go. Why? Well because I don't hold the power to control and micromanage all aspect of life.

I still don't have a clue what I should be doing. But I not going to let that stop me from exploring other options, you never know where the 'sign' reminding you of what you really want to do in life will come from - usually totally unexpected. Sometimes life doesn't line up the way we had envisioned, and it's confusing and overwhelming but trying to escape from it can be too taxing. When we should be learning to function instead of letting it bring you down. As F. Scott Fitzgerald once quoted the test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. So maybe the test for me is to accept the ambiguity that comes with life.

A Sunday post on a Monday, you lucky lot. I have a terrible headache and I have spent the day watching one too many Say Yes To dress episodes - I might have cried a little. Let me know what you guys are up to.

Zeynab x

P.S Before you leave, can you believe that I have over 11 of these A Sunday's musings post. OMG I can ramble a lot. Please check out some of the previous weeks and let me know what you think here and here.

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